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Spit Spat

May 22, 2009

The topic: These spats

Stylecunt:  It’s like, the spats are made of cake. 

 It should be marketed as ‘granny craft’.

‘100 fairies were killed to make these spats’.

 It’s like doilies for your feet.

 

SteamcuntTea cozies for the teapot line of Fluevogs.

I found the perfect boots to go with them.

 

Stylecunt:   Tell me that they’re made of unicorn hide.

 

 

 

 

Steamcunt: Dude, they are motherfucking cakepirate boots.

 

Stylecunt: Rococo New Rocks.

Or simply..

Rococo wrecks.

 

Steamcunt: New Rockoco?

 

Stylecunt: 17th century glam.

It makes a statement.

 

Steamcunt: “Make a wish an blow the man down”

 

Stylecunt: “My nose may be falling off from syphilis, but at least my feet look like royal cupcakes”.

 

 

 

Stylecunt: Just what my shoes always wanted, a collection of Jo-ann Fabrics dustbin scrapings glued into spats.

Lets go and put an insane amount of detail into accessories that are farthest from the eyes as possible.

‘You’ll have to get on your hands and knees to truly experience my spats’.

‘But please, don’t look up my Lolita skirt’.

 

Steamcunt: These are the kind of thing you do for extra credit in Home Ec and when you take them home at the end of the semester, your mom says they are “fun”.

So naturally, you go into business on the internet.

 

Stylecunt: Probably went to a school where you get a smile instead of a grade.

 

Steamcunt: (art school)

These are for people who really get off on Victorian sexually mores.

When just a hint of foot-bloomer was enough to get you raped by cads on the pneumatic subway.

 

Stylecunt:  I bet they have some uses.

You could throw them at Jack the Ripper.

 

Steamcunt: Absolutely.  The plastic buttons get up to killing speed.  It’s all in the wrist.

And of course we’ve all been at those fucking parties where the hostess doesn’t have any spare doilies, and some clumsy sow stains the whole stack.

 “Pardon me” isn’t good enough.

You spend the rest of the afternoon with a sopping brown doily.

Incidentally, Sopping Doily is the name of my Rasputina cover band.

It’s also an obscure sex act involving the last brown discharges of menses.

I read that on Wikipedia.

 

Stylecunt:  I wonder if King Louis knows his curtains are missing.

 

Steamcunt: Is it entirely beyond the pale to make fun of this woman for interrupting her product line photo collection with a retrospective of her dead cat?

Maybe it’s too soon.

Maybe she makes cat mufflers.

 

Stylecunt: Fluffy was killed in the great accessorie war of 2009.

He gave his life for fashion.

 

 

 

 

Steamcunt:  I’m really glad someone is finally commercially producing these.

 I used to have to make them in the club bathrooms out of Home & Garden and a fistful of toilet seat cover.

 

Stylecunt:  Goth vomit bibs are so in these days.

 

Steamcunt: I stopped after the steamchunks started to bite my steez.

Look, you’re eating out one of those fine upstanding young hampires, naturally you’re going to perspire, and your carefully-applied pallor is going to drip a little. A bib isn’t a bad idea!

But vampires don’t sweat.  They sparkle.

 

 

Steamcunt: For that ethereal “toilet paper stuck on spike heel” look.

Second only to “squat-pee splatter on PVC”

 

Stylecunt:  The next time that happens to me, i’ll yell back that it’s part of a spat.

 

Steamcunt: “DEEZ MAH SPATZ, YO”

Bitches don’t know bout my tea and light refreshments.

 

 

Steamcunt: Apparently Banksy had something to do with this, which explains why it looks like something I peeled off a utility pole.

 

Stylecunt: I think the cat designed this one.

 

Steamcunt: I think this IS the cat.

You know…AFTER.

 

Stylecunt: Fatally choking on ten pounds of lace left on the floor…..

 

Steamcunt:  Look, you have a cat carcass already stuffed full of “notions” and what else are you going to do with it?

Stuff both legs through it.

 The online crafting community accepts nothing less.

 

 

 

 

Steamcunt:  Remember when you were in grade school and there were always kids with arms and legs in big sturdy plaster casts?

And they started out all smooth and clean but eventually they got all fucked up from snot and markers and mashed potatoes and the kid sticking plastic forks down there to scratch?

Imagine the smell after you peel this thing off after a long night.

 

Stylecunt: I doubt you’d notice.

What with all the rats living in your two foot tall white wig.

 

Steamcunt:  On the plus side, it’s the ideal garment to have at hand during cold season.

Hahahaha, did you see what I did there?  “At hand”? 

Oh man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Steamcunt:  These I might actually wear.

 

Stylecunt:  Someone should kidnap all the ribbon from this woman’s house.

Things actually might turn out to be wearable.

 

 

Steamcunt: This claims to be “Unique necklace with lovely vintage materials and steampunk details.”

It appears to be a soiled glove on some rope, accented with a beer coaster.

 

Stylecunt: There  you go.

‘Steampunk details’.

These spats are clearly your fault.

 

Steamcunt: Maybe it smells of motor oil.

Listen.

Steampunk is about utility.

This is clearly about futility.

 

 

Steamcunt: This one has a pig on it.

It reminds me of the video I saw today of a Danish commercial pig farmer fluffing a sow for artificial insemination.

 Apparently if you grab their flanks like a boar, and sit on them, and reach underneath and slap their teats around, they get excited and you get 6% more piglets from the insemination.

 Which, again, is exactly how you do it at goth clubs.

 

Stylecunt: I love slapping the bitches teats with my goth bib.

 

Steamcunt: The good thing about the bibs is that you don’t have to actually look at the teats.

You can just pretend you’re puffing taffy or something.

Taffy in a vinyl corset.

 

Stylecunt:  Sweaty fishnetty taffy.

 

Steamcunt:  I think it also has a fingernail on it, which is not something I want to contemplate.

 

Stylecunt: Granny didn’t pay her rent.

And was immediately turned into craft projects.

Don’t cross this bitch.

She’ll craft you

I can still hear Fluffy’s screams…..

 Why aren’t there hairfalls?

 

Steamcunt: Shut up, someone will hear you.

Someone will make pom poms out of granny’s tattered linens and call it “steamrave”.

 

Stylecunt:  Oh. God. Yes.

 


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4 comments

  1. steamrave?! No, Oh No.


  2. Oh the snark, I love it!


  3. Is easy to bake a pretty cake!


  4. More like this will ensure my entertainment for quite some time. Brilliant.



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