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Tactical Error

June 22, 2009

Recently, there has been an abundance of reviews concerning this corset. Here at Stylecunt, we feel it our duty to give you our own review. What follows is another conversation between Steamcunt and Stylecunt concerning the Tactical Corsets……

 

Picture 1

 

 

Steamcunt: Let’s examine this.

1. Corsets are intended to make you look thinner.

The Tactical Corset straps a bunch of shit to your midsection, completely obliterating the intended silhouette. 

 

Stylecunt: I can already sense that this idea is going to spiral out of control, and send the alt majority five years backwards in fashion. 

It reminds me of those velcro suits people wear.

Then fling themselves into walls.

 

Steamcunt: The garment is a study in self-defeat.

2. Corsets squeeze and bind your torso.  This defines them as corsets.  A garment that does not constrict is not a corset.

By definition, a corset is impractical.  Wearing it in any sort of practical situation, particularly one dealing with potential physical harm is, at best, mind-bogglingly stupid.

 

Stylecunt: It apparently works for vampires.

 

Steamcunt: That’s a good example, actually.

That corset was so badly-fit that it was flapping around Beckinsale.

Because otherwise she would not be able to MOVE.

 

Stylecunt: who needs to move in a combat situation?

Certainly not a woman.

She can get a man to fight for her.

And drive.


Steamcunt: If it were possibly to construct a garment that constricted the waist in an attractive way without being uncomfortable/restrictive of movement, it would already have been invented and greedily consumed.

 

Stylecunt: Any company whose slogan is ‘The New Hotness’, is doomed.

But seriously, strapping a million things to your midsection completely defeats the purpose of a corset in the first place.

Who wants a waist anyway?

 

Steamcunt: This issue is such a sticking point that the RPG Unhallowed Metropolis has an entire chapter on Victorian battle-dress technology.

As an ironic art concept, the idea of a battle corset is fun.

As a fashion statement, it’s offensively poor.

 

Stylecunt: But!! Lipstick pouch!!

 

Steamcunt: And the execution here is just a travesty.

It is seriously Frederick’s of Hollywood polyester basques with webbing tacked on.

 

 

Stylecunt: Even the mannequin flees the corset. Or maybe that was some poor mercenary, severed in half in the middle of tactical battle. 

 

Steamcunt: I got into a disagreement with a friend over these.

She said they looked sooooo coooool.

I presented my arguments.

Later, she emailed me.

“I looked at those tactical corsets and agree they are ghey, but I still think they could be done and not stupid. But yeah putting mesh over some cheapo thing fails the class and the semester.”

Okay, so how could this be executed in a non-ghey manner?

 

Stylecunt: Forget the corset, wear a pocket belt like the rest of us zombie hunters.

 

Steamcunt: At the risk of giving free and AMAZING ideas to a man who thinks form and function unite in a Utilikilt, I will say you could, yeah, have pockets/thingies attached to the bottom of the corset.

But we already all wear utility belts, which produces the same effect with the added bonus of being swappable between outfits.

 

Stylecunt: Alright.

Then just make it a neat little vest.

With the midsection open.

 

Steamcunt: It would keep the stupid bulk AWAY from the area supposedly enhanced by the corseting.

 

Stylecunt: So you can, y’know, move.

 

Steamcunt: Right, like the Skin Graft shoulder holster.

Is it just that the West coast crew is already completely tactical??

 

Stylecunt: We plan for peril.

 

Steamcunt: We’re already strapped up like bondage gypsies.

 

Stylecunt: I love the attachments that he thinks are necessary.

Fire poi pouch.

‘Interrogation pouch’.

 

Steamcunt: Oh god, the website.

“Empower Thyself”.

Can you possibly come up with a douchier site concept?

 

Stylecunt: ‘Cutest tactical pouch evar’.

 

Steamcunt: **CLICK HERE FOR LOLCORSETZ!!1**

 

Stylecunt: FTW


Steamcunt: ./`\\JOLLY ROGER’S ANARCHIST’S CORSET!!1//\.

Now with bonus Pirate Bay iron-on patches.

 

Stylecunt: I still can’t get over the fire poi pouch.

Bring burning man to your friends by FORCE.

 

Steamcunt: Golly, a corset with a ZIPPER up the front?!

IT CAN’T BE DONE

GET ME GAULTIER ON THE PHONE

WE’RE MAKING FASHION HISTORY FOLKS

 

Stylecunt: Coco Chanel must be spinning in her grave.

Let’s empower women by putting them back in the corset, shall we?

 

Steamcunt: She would be if she hadn’t been buried in a Tactical Corset ™.  She’s strapped down and wedged in pretty good, there.

 

Stylecunt: I want a barbequeing corset.

With all the latest BBQ accessories.

Secret bacon pockets.

 

Steamcunt: I saw a discussion on Twitter between two people, one of which was actually using a “#tacticalcorsets” hashtag.  One of them, the sane one, was expressing some doubt, and the other was assuring the first that soon she would be wearing a corset expressly designed for Parkour.

It went something like, “How are you going to run up the side of a building if you can’t bend at the waist??”  

 

Stylecunt: I would pay good money to see that chick leap onto a street sign and fall flat.

 

Steamcunt: “Oh pshaw, we’ve worked that all out in the design stage.”

C’mon y’all magical corsetiering ain’t no thang.

Pfft yeah all those other guys have just been Doing It Wrong (as we say on the webbernuts loll!!) for hundreds of years.

They didn’t have the expertise that comes with surfing 4chan for bondage yaoi every night for five years.

REALLY IT’S GOING TO WORK THIS TIME

LOOK AT MY WEBSITE

IT IS ABOUT EMPOWERMENT

WOMEN WITH GUNS AMIRITE

 

Stylecunt: Strap me in, Tommy.

Ima goin’ vampire huntin’!!

 

Steamcunt: Let’s all stuff our massive wiccan titties into straining cylinders made of a space-age of nylon-polyester blend.

 

Stylecunt: That model has some serious armpit cleavage happening.

Must have missed that in the ‘design stage’.

 

Steamcunt: And store our HILARIOUS bacon-flavored lipgloss and finely-milled, clinging glitter in multiple pockets.

 

Stylecunt: I love that it’s fire-proof.

Because i’m sure the fire would completely hit the corset, and miss your bursting bosom.

 

Steamcunt: I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss the historical role of tactical corsets.

Ahem.

When the Romanov royal family was cornered in their basement and shot to death by Bolshevik secret police, Princess Anastasia and her sister and mother were the last to die because they had stitched their collections of jewelry into the linings of their corsets.

The diamonds and wrought metal deflected and shattered the bullets, effectively turning them into tiny shrapnel grenades.

This story probably isn’t actually true, but very little about the Romanov execution IS.

 

Stylecunt: That’s more believable than being defeated by Rasputin and a talking bat.

 

Steamcunt: Oh wait, it is true.

The “Yurovsky Note” further reported that once the thick smoke that had filled the room from so many weapons being fired in such close quarters cleared, it was discovered that the executioners’ bullets had ricocheted off the corsets of two or three of the Grand Duchesses. The executioners later came to find out that this was because the family’s crown jewels and diamonds had been sewn inside the linings of the corsets to hide them from their captors. The corsets thus served as a form of “armor” against the bullets. Anastasia and Maria were said to have crouched up against a wall covering their heads in terror until they were shot down by bullets, recalled Yurovsky. However, another guard, Peter Ermakov, told his wife that Anastasia had been finished off with bayonets. As the bodies were carried out, one or several of the girls cried out and were clubbed on the back of the head, wrote Yurovsky.

 

Stylecunt: See

The fire poi pouch could have saved them.

 

Steamcunt: If only they had been wearing fedoras…

 

Stylecunt: And bling.


Steamcunt: Nothing says “practical” like a dumb hat and a petticoat.

 

Stylecunt: Nothing says ‘fashion’ like a male designer with Spock’s haircut.

 

Steamcunt: Now all you need are some illustrative photographs.

Here’s another corset they seem to have used


Stylecunt: Hey

 

This company makes it old skool style.

For the Heavy Metal vixen in us all.

 

 

Steamcunt: This guy just doesn’t have any fucking clue.

 

Stylecunt: All this bulletproof, tazerproof stuff.

Why not just shoot someone in the head?

O god

Tactical masks!

They could have rhinestones

 

 

Steamcunt: Just in case anyone was wondering why no one has thought of BUCKLES on CORSETS before.

 

 

Stylecunt: Still the winner.

 

Steamcunt: And still 5x more practical.

With the added bonus of not looking like someone strapped you up to suicide bomb a particularly unfashionable hobo camp.

 

 

Stylecunt: Armor corsets are apparently damned to fail.

Take the hint.

There’s a reason Mr. Pearl never tried this…

 

Steamcunt: Because Mr. Pearl has an ounce of self-respect?

 

Stylecunt: It would definitely be more cost efficient to just take a class that teaches you how to take down an attacker with a sleeper hold.

Actually BECOME tactical.

Rather than strap a barrage of knick knacks to your front.

 

Steamcunt: Look, didn’t I just explain to you that knick knacks saved the lives of the Russian royal fam—oh.

 

Stylecunt: I don’t understand the popularity.

I almost fear the backlash…..

Until i saw the fans.

 


 

Stylecunt: The enemy will never see me coming in these stripy socks!

 

Steamcunt: The answer, my frizz, is blowin in the wind.

This guy seriously has on the exact same thing every time I see him.

You have to admire the pluck of a man going into the clothing design industry whose entire wardrobe consists of nerd skirt.

“Hmm, what should I wear to the goth club…I GOT IT!!!”

“Hmmm, what should I wear to the dork convention….I GOT IT!!”

I hate how kilts have caught on with the geeky rivetheads, but the regulation socks did not.

I think one looks idiotic without the other.

The pom poms add a dash of flair to an otherwise somber ensemble of man-dress and shitty haircut.

 

Stylecunt: I wonder if he wear utili-underwear.

 

Steamcunt: So he doesn’t have to keep his lipstick in his cleavage like a civilized person, you mean?

 

Stylecunt: Purses have always been such a burden.

We should thank him.

 

Steamcunt: Yes, thank god he has freed me from the burden of pocketbooks.

I don’t even own a purse.

 

Stylecunt: Next up: the tactical thong.

 

Steamcunt: I need a pocket for each of my labia individually.

 

 

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One comment

  1. Aha! First of all, great review, can’t believe no-one has done anything like this yet… however, I do think it could be used in an airsoft environment 🙂 I’ve seen massive horrible sweaty lesbians play airsoft in baggy clothes (too much breathing room for my liking) so if they squeezed the smell in it might make me want to talk to them long enough to find out their names or where they got that ‘awsum corset’ from 😛



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